Okay so its 3 in the morning and im downstairs at the kitchen table typing this because a series of events just happened that have pushed me to a point where im just going to explode if i dont let it out.
I'm just tired. Mentally and physically drained from basically.. being me. I feel like the whole world is against me, everytime i try to to be positive or am happy, something goes wrong and just breaks me. over. done. the whole day is ruined i become negative and cynical and hopless. It can be the smallest thing ever but everything has just accumulated to the point where my cup is overflowing.. so even the smallest drop will push it even farther. Am i destined for an eternity of misery? because it sure feels like it. I don't feel like anyone understands either and worst of all, im the one who pushed myself into this hole in the first place. I let my life fill up with negativity so much that its comepetly taken me over. I've become this cynical, pessimistic person that hates everybody and everything and just complains about it all the time. And people have no problem telling me either i mean basically everyone around me has told me how negative i always am and how i bring down their mood. So not only am i making my own life worse, im making others lives bad too. Im like a walking time bomb, god knows if ill make it past the next day. Even writing about this is basically me complaining i mean seriously can i hate myself even more. I feel like ive tried so hard to push my self to be positive and think happy thoughts, i have so many goals, hopes, dreams that i really do want to fulfill as crazy as they are, but im stuck. Its the best word i can use to desribe myself. I am so tired of living, but i dont want to die, so what am i? STUCK. I've gone to so many therapists/psychologists and a naturopath (because no way will i take some basic medication that psychiatrists hand out like candy) and I feel like none of that really helped. I know the only way to beat this and create a happy healthy lifestyle is changing by myself but it is so hard. I feel like two different people I have the super positive happy side that believes things will get better and wants change and the depressed, sad pessimistic side that wants to give up and their fighting and I dont really feel like i have any control. I dont really know how to end this rant because their was never really a point to it so why have a conclusion.
"You're afraid to live and afraid to die, what a way to exist." Neale Donald Walsch - Quote from his book.
